I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize