I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
