My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
