I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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