I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
