I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
