i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
