she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
