a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My bed smells like the plague
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
