I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
two words: eviction party
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
