Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
