I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
