He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
