party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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