When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
