Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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