I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
