Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I did not marry a roomba.
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