If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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