is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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