we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
