I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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