if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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