Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
