When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize