My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
FUCK WHALES
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