i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize