You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I will be naked everywhere
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
