If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
