Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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