mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize