I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
