So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
