I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
