In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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