five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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