I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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