If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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