Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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