I think I just saw someone hide a body.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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