This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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