So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
