Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
