I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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