yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
