I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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