Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
me + whiskey = a bad person
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
