if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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