Moan for me like Helen Keller
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
