I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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