I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
