k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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