I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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