you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
