i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
