i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
FUCK WHALES
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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