i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
