It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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