The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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