matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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